How do we discuss divisive issue around the dinner table?
The new administration has been sworn in, new day, new life, new policies, new hopes. Conversations are going to happen around dinner tables; unavoidably some difficult conversations are prone to happen and there are many divisive subjects that can erupt
- The elections
- Wearing masks or not
- Is COVID real or a hoax
- Get vaccinated or not
- Send children to school or learn at home
- Close or open businesses
And the list goes on.
So, the question that I have been asked multiple times is: Do we talk about divisive issues not?
This is not a simple Yes or No answer. The answer really relies on our Emotional Intelligence and the level of our self-awareness.
There is a need to remember that any of these issues can lead to harsh words and expressions that can break relationships sometimes forever.
Also, it is plausible for example that we could have voted for the same President and still disagree on some of the policies or vice versa
The divisiveness comes from the fact that we all have set of values sometimes non-negotiables that mean so much to us, when discussing them it touches who we are at the core, inflaming raw nerves that is why we flare up but remembering that and being aware of it (Emotional Intelligence) can help minimize those effects.
We have known most of the people at that dinner table throughout our lives, these are mostly people that are family members or close friends, you shared good and bad times with them.
Try to think for a second what did drastically change to make them the devil all of a sudden; “Biden happened” or “Trump happened” is not an answer
I have been thinking really hard about what we are all going through, I always go through my pros and cons list, I found myself asking “Who am I to think” that I am a 100% right, that no one got it right but me. I do have an opinion and I have my values, I honor them, I stand in my truth and own it, but who I am to demonize you or demonize anyone’s opinion because it is a different one.
I am a Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion professional; I stand for inclusion so if I exclude someone’s opinion that is different, then I am a hypocrite.
Before we can answer the question, we need to ask our self these questions that are all based on our level of self-awareness (Emotional Intelligence at its best here)
- Are we good at drawing boundaries?
- Are we able to handle volatile hard emotions?
- Are we able to handle the challenge of our own opinions?
- Are we able to take push back on our own feelings and ideas?
- Are we able to take pressure?
- Are we able to take it when someone tells us” No you are wrong” or push our hot buttons?
If the answer is "NO" to any of these questions then the safest (not best) way to handle that is just to establish House “Rules of Engagements” NOW and ban political and religious discussions at the dinner table.
if we can handle the “Agree to disagree” part, then we can visit the idea, not a simple idea but doable. As long as respect is at the base of the discussions
The person we are talking to
The household we are in
The different opinion
The emotions and feelings of the other person
The relationships we have
It took me years of working on myself and my Emotional Intelligence to get here and it is not perfect yet, when I get triggered and heated I have the power and choice to disengage right there and then.
In reality, we can have all these rules and emotional capacity to discuss controversial issues and still have our trigger hot buttons activated and fly of the handle.
So, let me share in a scientific way why this happens, and when we understand the roots of the issues, we can have solutions
When we are triggered and our hot buttons are pushed, we have changes that occur
If we are self-aware of these changes, we can choose to switch the channel before it flares up
For example, when I get angry, I feel myself getting tense, my muscles getting tight, my blood pressure rising, my heartbeat increasing, may be sweating, knots in my stomach, clinching my fists.
All these are physiological signs that I get when I am triggered and get angry (Emotion)- I still have a chance and a choice to disengage either by walking away or by exercising deep breathing for few times or distracting my brain by switching the conversation or even remembering the lyrics to a song that I like (Mentally)
This takes work, that we need to do, not only for these situations but to practice in our lives in general.
More neuroscience explanation, in a quite simple way – our brain consists of 3 layers that are:
Reptilian or physical or our main survival mechanism
Mammalian or emotional where we host our empathy and other feelings
Neo Cortex that is present only in human beings and evolved itself to existence to give us the power of logical and analytical thinking
The interesting part is that the three layers (physical, emotional, and logical) do not necessarily work together but each look for dominance and act against each other- that is why sometimes we say “My heart is telling me to do this, but my brain says no”
Our brain has been created to defend us from any danger either real or perceived and is also an efficiency tool that tries its best to conserve calories, it doesn’t take much time, to analyze our outside world for survival purposes, so we create what we call “Social categorization” where we box people based on certain criteria that we have embedded in our brain and mind in certain categories. Our perceptions most o the time are not correct.
Our brain never changed since the caveman mentality, kill, or be killed, we still live in survival mode - Fight, flight, or freeze
Everything we go through, passes through the base or reptilian base first, if our brain senses danger – in this case someone disagreeing with us and we feel threatened- our survival kicks in, our brain is flooded with Cortisol, the stress hormone and we go into fight or flight or even freeze mode we call that “Amygdala highjack” where all of the brain resources are hijacked to survive
When someone disagrees with us, we take it as a rejection, brings us back to feelings and emotions of our own 7-year-old, and we feel in danger. The disagreeing person becomes an “out group” person and our Unconscious Bias kicks in with vengeance and we go in survival mode and a vicious circle starts
When the brain lacks data and doesn’t have answers it gets anxious and can’t live in chaos so it fills the gap either right or wrong it doesn’t matter as long as it creates an illusion of order, our brain can’t live in chaos that is why we always look for answers and it is uncomfortable – from the beginning of time, men has been filling the void with mythologies, philosophies, and religions
We form our opinions based on what we value, what we deem right or wrong, what we deem good or bad based on values and beliefs mainly that were downloaded in our brain through our childhood from our parents, teachers and family.
If they had blind spots, we inherit them, if we are not aware of them, they become our triggers for the rest of our lives eve when we are not aware of them.
What pushes the boundaries especially talking about the elections is that people use broad spectrum expressions like
- All those that voted for Biden are…….
- All those that voted for Trump are……
- You are stupid or you are ignorant, or you are out of touch
- How can anyone even start thinking that way
- You are racist/ hater/ intolerant/ fascist
- You are a left winger/ a snowflake/ a liberal
These are the most common ones that come to my mind, what is ironic is that the other side is looking at us the same way labeling us as well
Lately, I had conversations with many from across the aisle, I found out that for example we agreed on the same California propositions responses in the elections, though we voted for different candidates
Some took their emotions out of the equation, and voted for policies versus character or personality, they are aware of the controversies but still choose policies front and center
The real truth lies in that people are pushed - on purpose - to be in fear and stay in it, so fear is created around:
They are going to lose their jobs to people of color
Their children will lose their place in college to a person of color
Their neighborhood will go down if people of color will move in
The police departments will be defunded
Businesses will close forever, and they will lose their income
On the other side – the fear lies
If you are a person of color you will be persecuted and discriminated against
You will be mistreated or killed by the police if you are a person of color
You are being marginalized
Businesses will close forever, and they will lose their income
They will have no medical insurance
Their will lose their social security
We stay in survival mode with cortisol flooding our brain, inhibiting the good hormones like serotonin, so we stay in fear and depression as a result we see people with guns in the streets as the caveman mentality kicks back in – kill or be killed.
Everyone fears that the world as they know it, will cease to exist no matter what shape that is/ was, they are thrown out of their comfort zone into chaos and anxiety
The media feeds on that and makes it worst as it depends on sensationalism
So, what do we do?
It all starts with building our self-awareness about our ideas, opinions and most importantly our biases and accepting that we have them. Only then, we can start taking steps to address these issues; knowing our triggers ad nipping them at the bid when they arise
Recognize our blind spots and try to replace them in a positive and conscious way
Remember that you have known the people around the Holidays dinner table for a long time maybe your whole life. You are blessed to have them present that you can argue or discuss issues with them. There are plenty of families that have empty chairs as they lost family members due to COVID. Imagine if you had those ill feelings towards one of your friends or family members and you can’t even make it up, not even having the opportunity to make up – do not miss the chance to do that ad regret it later on
Part of minimizing Unconscious Bias and stereotypes is applying "Individuation" and "Perspective taking", looking at every person as an individual rather being part of a box we created in our mind or a part of a group we create during social categorization to be efficient. Individuation is a great tool looking at the person we are disagreeing with as a family member that we have known all our life and love and build on that
Ask yourself what is MY measure of allowing people to disagree with me so I can accept it is it 10/50/100%? What makes it OK?
Avoid discussions when we are hungry or tired (part of EQ) or burned out
Use empathy when disagreeing with someone else to understand their perspective, putting our self in their shoes without trying to fix them or feel sorry for them
Stop labeling others – like crazy, out there, racist, or liberal
Stop the “sky is falling” attitude nothing is doom and gloom
Realize that when people disagree with us, they are not rejecting us, they might reject our idea but not us as a person.
We need to realize that once someone is not thinking like us, we kick them into an OUT GROUP and our brain starts feel threatened so we go into survival mode
We can disconnect that threat or hijack by simple steps as exercising deep breathing for few times
We all have a choice- stereotype activation is automatic, but stereotype reaction is by choice, we can control them if we choose to
It all starts with building self-awareness and the will to manage conflicts for a win-win.
We can agree to disagree, if you get too ruffled, disengage, remove yourself from the situation or environment, freeze the conversation for the time being and just remember that these are family and friends that you are blessed to have
This is the season of thanks and gratitude – we need to practice both
“You might say I am a dreamer, but I am not the only one” John Lennon
Diversity starts at home,
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Sahar Andrade, MB.BCh
Diversity, Inclusion, and Leadership Consultant- Certified Social Media Strategist
Sahar Consulting, LLC
Reinvent Yourself To Greatness (Product of Sahar Consulting, LLC)
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